Archive for September, 2010

After hearing the news that “famous” teen mom Bristol Palin has joined this season’s cast of Dancing with the Stars, I began imagining the conversation with her dance partner during the competition, after the two of them have had to spend time together practicing. Showing all the signs of following in her mother’s footsteps, mean girl Bristol “Revirginated” Palin is reportedly working hard on her diva credentials. Here is my imaginary conversation between Bristol and her dance partner, Jethro “Short-Straw” Twinkletoes.

Our next contestants, Bristle Palin and Jethro Twinkletoes, will wow the judges with their modern version of ballroom dancing.

“If you drop me in front of the judges my mother will ruin you.”

“After all, I am the famous teenage daughter of the most popular woman in America.”

“You’ve threatened me since we got stuck dancing together.”

“You are mean as a snake. Does that make your mother a Mama Cobra?”

“My mother will crush you.”

“She’s already got those crazy fans of hers sending me death threats. My lawyer thinks I might have a good harassment case.”

“Nobody sues my mother and lives.”

“Where does your family bury the bodies?”

“You’ll find out the hard way if you mess with us. I am the Revirginated. My mother is a grizzly with sharp claws.”

“Yeah, whatever. I am the overloaded. Get ready for the floor move.”

“You’re just some over-educated dancer. I am the Revirginated.”

“Well cha-cha-whoop-de-do, missy. You keep that delusion going. Wouldn’t want to disrupt your reality.”

“I don’t like your tone, mister.”

“And I don’t like your big feet, miss pre-owned virgin.”

“You are disgusting. You must be a librul.”

“Better than being a repackaged slut.”

“My mother will wipe you and your kin off the face of the earth.”

“Yeah, just my luck I drew the short straw when nobody wanted to dance with the Bristle.”

“That’s not true! I am loved, just like my mother.”

“I’d love to throw you a good ten feet.”

“You disrespectful cad.”

“Oops! If only your head wasn’t so swollen, I wouldn’t have been thrown off balance.”

“You will die when I tell my mother what you did.”

“Oh shut your pie hole and get up on those big feet of yours.”

“You weigh a ton. Must be all the shit you are full of.”

“I’m sending my lawyer after you for slander and dropping.”

“After I kick your ass.”

“You have no cojones.”

“I am the great Bristle, famous popular teen mom.”

“You are a delusional mean girl, riding the coattails of your delusional mean girl mom.”

“Shut up you asshole!”

“I am the Great Bristle.”

“You are nobody except the guy dancing with the Great Bristle!”

“Then let’s just dance and get this over with so I never have to see you again.”

“Fine with me. I just want to be done with this disgusting experience.”

“Lady, I couldn’t agree with you more. I’m scarred for life.”

“Not as scarred as you will be after my mother rips your face off.”

“Oops, your big mouth tripped me.”

“You oaf! You are such dead meat!”

“Wouldn’t want the judges mistaking you for a graceful woman.”

“You should talk, you asshole!”

“Oops, what did you say?”

“You are crushing my bumpit, you ignorant moron!!”

“Here, let me pull you up by your big fat foot.”

“Did you get that grace from your mom?”

“Shut up and pull, you pig, or I will drive my heel through your brain.”

“Temper, temper, wouldn’t want the judges to see that twisted rage face of yours.”

“I am the Great Bristle.”

“You aren’t wearing any underwear.”

“Where’s the Seal of Revirgination?”

“Nope, no seal.”

“You just made that up, didn’t you?”

“I am the Great Virgin Bristle, most popular teen mom of all.”

“From down here you just look like another leg spreadin’ bimbo.”

“Oops, your fat head again.”

“My mother says that doing the splits is almost as good as playing the flute.”

“We’ll wow the judges with our double splits.”

“I am the Great Bristle, and I can dance.”

“I should have been allowed to dance alone, since I am better than the rest of you.”

“Your mama never taught you any manners, did she?”

“Manners are for servants.”

“I’ll bet I could make money writing a book about this. Maybe I’ll call it ‘Teen Bitch.'”

“My mother will crush you if you do.”


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