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Archive for the ‘plastic mayhem’ Category

Update: The perils blog has been running for a while and is now winding down as Sarah hopefully fades into the sunset. Since I will be posting less over there, and with fewer Palin posts, I’ve decided to revive this blog.  The Perils blog is fully functional, with lots of archival posts and a trickle of new posts, so feel free to wander over there if the subject matter interests you.

http://theperilsofpalins.wordpress.com

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I have made the decision to spin off the Palin barbie portion of my blog. It will take me a few weeks at least to move my PlasticLand show to the new blog, but I will let my barbie/Palin satire fans know when and where the new blog will debut. If you are one of my bug post fans, I will be doing many more of those. This blog will concentrate on road trips, bugs, scenery, rants about people who cut down shoe trees, and all of the other eccentric odds and ends you have come to expect.  The only thing missing will be the barbie Palin dog and pony show, which needed its own venue. Stay tuned…

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If you are here for the first time because of the Palin book signing, please click on the “Barbie Theatre” page in the header at the top of the blog. I am a lame admin and am still trying to figure out how to make the links hot, but for now you can just copy and paste to see my fun with barbies.

If you haven’t posted a comment before, it will not appear until I check it. I approve all comments from real people. Trolls and Bots are automatically pitched headfirst into the ether. My blog, my right. If Palin can have her own definition of free speech, so can I, and mine doesn’t include assholes and ignorant whackjobs.

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Sarah Palin makes another stop on her tour of “real America,” where everybody is white, Republican, and stupid.

I am Sarah the Queen. You may now line up so that I can sign copies of my glorious book that I wrote myself except for that ghost writer lady helping to put my glorious words on paper, you betcha, the way Moses helped God put words on tablets, except I fired Moses because she wanted her name on the cover of my tablets and that won’t do, dontcha know, also too.

I brought my blessed under-dressed angel who is a pain in the ass and who does not have my glorious good looks so he has to settle for being iconic with cold feet.

Don’t forget to take advantage of my special offers that are only my just due since I am a queen and I need money for my vacations. The cashier is to the right on your way out.

I only sign books bought here because they love me here and will make you pay full price and you won’t even get a subscription to a magazine that speaks in complete sentences about how wonderful I am.

Buy two so you can sell one on EBay and then send me the money for my vacations away from that stupid, er, glorious Alaska.

I will only sign 1000, er… 500, er… 25 books because I have a plane, er…bus to catch on my way to another glorious part of real America, where more idiots, er…adoring fans are waiting in the rain for me to smile upon them the way God smiled on his flock from above, while amber shades of sunset glowed around his head.

Giving your real American germs to the retard, er…blessed angel will cost you extra. Don’t forget the cashier is to the right on your way out.

Buy some unsigned copies on your way out because I will only sign two and I’m sure you have relatives who adore me. Cashier on right, yada yada.

Word salad, $50/lb.

The good villagers of PlasticLand decide to get together and protest one of Sarah’s salad signings. They thought they got rid of her, but she’s like mildew and just keeps coming back.

They make their signs.

Plan their strategy.

KO even stops by to join in.

One-armed barbie is sick of Sarah using little Trig as a prop.

Rural Native Alaskan barbie is still pissed about the EX-gov’s really lame non-response to the rural food and fuel crisis the previous winter.

KO is starting to get tired of the gift that keeps on giving.

It’s Todd’s turn to be the family prop today.

He tries not to stand too near the utterly strange “real Americans” who adore his wife.

Sarah’s fans.

Sarah turns on the charm as she signs books.

Security guy needs a beer.

Sarah is thinking she needs a Red Bull.

She thinks about her upcoming vacation when she gets done with this stupid, er…glorious tour of real America.

I’m so glad you could all come and support my bank account, er…my great values and message as I walk among you.

Signing my wonderful book over and over is like walking in a flower-filled meadow while waiting for my moose chili to be done.

Todd is thinking about that pretty little “roof” he needs to “fix.”

Have you all seen my Todd?

Is he a hunk or what? His sparkling blue eyes crinkle when he smiles, like the wrapper of my Crunchwrap Supreme on a warm fall afternoon as the birds sing above the remote peaks of the Alaskan wilderness. Dang!

Todd took time out of his busy roof fixing, which he does with his buddies and is really good at because he’s part Native, to be here with me in real America.

Those evil bloggers in pajamas think I would give up this great prop, er…husband hunk. Dang! Have you SEEN Todd?

I am perfect with a perfect life and a hunky husband and perfect children that everybody is always picking on because they are jealous of me and what an expert on everything I am.

Sarah’s bus waits outside for her quick getaway to the airport.

Well let’s get these books signed now so I can get the hell out of here and have a Red Bull and check my Blackberries, er…I have another stop soon with more lovely real Americans so let’s hustle.

The signing continues.

Trig starts fussing.

Where is Piper or Aunt Katie?

Trig, did you eat my Blackberries? You know you can’t handle solid food yet.

Did everybody see my prop, er…blessed angel?

Hey you, security man! Stop standing around doing nothing and take my retard, er…blessed angel.

Hurry up, he needs some clothes and shoes because those blasted bloggers keep talking about him not being properly dressed, er…he needs changing.

Now, where was I?

Security guy REALLY needs a beer now.

I’m almost at my limit for the day.

Todd decides he needs to get back to the “roof.”

Bye bye, hunky hubby! Dang!

The villagers have assembled outside the signing venue.

Nice ripe tomatoes.

They laugh and chant with solidarity.

Quitty Twitty Bang Bang!!

WE are real America!

The Grifter is in town, polluting our air!

And we aren’t going to take it anymore!

Expert on quitting and taking stupid people’s money!

May your aim be true and your arm strong!

THIS is free speech!

Real American Tomatoes!

Native barbie decides to go for a closer shot.

Woohoo! Touchdown!!

A new kind of pancake makeup!

And the villagers rejoice!

Much rejoicing.

Got the Palin wannabe too! Good shot!

Oh no, my hair extensions are ruined!

More rejoicing.

You ruined my outfit!

Mine too!

Security guy wishes he’d stayed on the turkey farm.

A fitting mess.

One-armed barbie grabbed Trig to keep him out of the fray.

I’m going to get fired! I need a beer!!

Tomatoes for the salad!!

Where’s that damn bus! Where’s security!? Where’s Piper?! My hairdo is ruined and my troughed-on makeup is running!

I’m going to sue everybody! You will hear from my lawyer and my faceliftbook ghostwriter!

Rejoicing continues.

Sarah makes a getaway, but not before her bus gets tomatoed.

The Bots ran away, afraid of those “socialist riff-raff” free-speechers.

And peace descended upon the land.

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The whole world watched as Sarah Palin left her family home while pursuing her rabid ambition. The result was family chaos. Babies born to teenage daughters, husband sleeping on the couch, Trig left with Todd and Piper and the babysitter. Sarah has once again been away from home, in an undisclosed location, while ghostwriters spew nonsense on her Facebook page and Todd takes care of the kids. Megamouth has been strangely silent, right up until the recent denial about another blown off speaking engagement.

Chapter One
Todd, tired of the whole mess, left Piper with Trig and went off into the woods with the babysitter for a bit of hanky panky. His timing sucked though, because Sarah finally came home, fresh from her rehab and plastic surgery gig, with Megamouth trailing behind.

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Todd and the babysitter have been making goo goo eyes at each other for a while.

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They finally manage to sneak into the woods and do something about it.

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Oh you big hunk!

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I want you babe.

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I want you too!

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You are sooo sexy!

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I’m going to rip your clothes off.

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oh please!

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This rock will do fine.

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You are so hot!

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You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

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I could drown in your eyes!

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Uh, oh, they don’t see Sarah watching them.

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They are too engrossed in each other.

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Sarah is pissed.

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Megamouth is watching too.

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They don’t see her.

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Take me, Todd!

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Bend over, baby!

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They hump like bunnies while Sarah and Megamouth fume.

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ooh ooh ooh!

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take it baby, take it!

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Sarah and Megamouth snap and go after them in a rage.

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Megamouth grabs a big rock.

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Sarah grabs a big stick.

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Get them!

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Oh no, it’s Meg and my wife!

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Help!

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No help for you, you cheating bastard and traitorous babysitter bimbo!

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They’re down!

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Yes!

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Take that!

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no, no, help!

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You don’t deserve to live!

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Sarah and Megamouth get more rocks.

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I’m going to smash you.

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Prepare to die.

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Megamouth finds a big rock.

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Your cheatin’ days are over.

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No more pretty face.

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No more cheatin’ parts.

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You two are toast.

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You bastard and bitch.

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You’re fired, babysitter!

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I’m burning the snowmachines.

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You were worthless anyway.

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And the psychos rejoice.

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Much rejoicing.

Chapter Two
Although the babysitter expired, Todd was just badly banged up. He managed to crawl out from under the rocks and get his cell phone out of his pocket. He called his pal, Greta Van Sustern, who is madly in love with him, and who happened to be in Alaska doing some interviews. He told her that Sarah and Megamouth came after him and a friend and that he wanted revenge. Greta, angry that her husband has been drooling over Sarah, has become disillusioned with her former girl crush and thinks Todd is getting a bum deal from his overly ambitious wife. So Greta made some phone calls to the Wasilla Women For Todd (WWFT) and rounded up some members for a mayhem expedition. They went out to where Sarah and Megamouth were gloating and planning Sarah’s next celebrity opportunity.

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Sarah, I think you totally outshine those blonde bimbos on Fox now that you’ve had plastic surgery. They will give you top billing.

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Yes, I am a babe and will be famous again.

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And your book will make millions. Now you don’t have to share with Todd.

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Yes, he was becoming a big weight around my neck, dragging me down.

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There are lots of men out there with real power and money who will treat you right.

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Todd was nothing but trouble.

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Hey, isn’t that Greta?

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And some of our friends from Wasilla?

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Greta and the WWFT are on a mission of mayhem.

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Sarah throws too many women under the bus, and now Todd too.

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We’ll fix her!

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She’s gonna be one dead bitch. Her and that Meg bitch with the bushy eyebrows.

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They advance on Sarah and Megamouth.

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Sarah and Megamouth are confused at the anger in their expressions.

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Why do you have sticks?

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Run Meg! They are going to get us!

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You can’t get away, Sarah! This is for Todd!

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Oh no! Run!

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Hurry, they are catching up!

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Greta and the WWFT continue to advance.

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Sarah and Megamouth are in total panic.

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Big sticks and revenge in their hearts.

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Two of the women circle around and cut off Sarah and Megamouth’s escape.

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Greta catches up with Sarah.

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I’m going to beat you to a pulp, you bitch!

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You had no right to hurt Todd!

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You are dead meat!

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Get them girls!

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Whack whack whack!!!

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Bash bash bash!!

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Smash smash smash!!!

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They’re down!

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Keep hitting them!

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This is for Todd!

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Greta and the WWFT rejoice.

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Much rejoicing.

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Ding dong, the witch is dead!

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Long live Todd!

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We can all marry him!

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Throw your sticks on them and kick them!

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Greta is pleased.

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Very pleased. She secretly thinks about how she will get rid of the WWFT and get Todd for herself.

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We are tired of pretending to like Sarah so she won’t wreck our lives.

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Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, free at last!

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