Many people struggle with various forms and levels of addiction. I am no exception. Even as a child I engaged in binge eating of my favorite foods. One hot dog was not enough. I had to have four. One orange was not enough. I ate the whole bag. I once consumed seven tacos (not those little Taco Bell ones but homemade fat ones). Luckily, I was a hyper kid who ran around climbing trees, so it didn’t make me a fat kid. And my binging wasn’t across the board, just favorite foods. When I became a lonely, disgruntled teenager, it became bags of candy, whipped cream, hot jello (yes, you can drink the stuff). And of course, ice cream.
I began to struggle with a weight problem. Not obesity level. Just the same twenty or so pounds that has pursued me ever since. I’ve often thought that I should have become huge and obese, and I honestly don’t know why I am not. Willpower? Don’t make me laugh. The only willpower I have is at the store when I’m buying food. If it makes it to the house, I eat it. My best guess is a deep and abiding respect for moderation. Perhaps that is what keeps me from going right over the cliff.
But my addictions don’t stop at food. I went several rounds with alcohol early on, with the typical teenage drunkfests and early adult drunken behavior. They embarrassed me deeply, and I could waffle and say that shame and embarrassment kept me from becoming an alcohol abuser back then. But that really isn’t the truth. The real truth is that I found an addiction that suited me more. I discovered marijuana. It became my drug of choice. I did some early experimentation with other drugs, but they were just stupid in my view and I stuck with weed.
I have smoked marijuana for most of my adult life. It is a mixed blessing, some good, some not so good. One of the first things I discovered about it was that it kept away the nightmares that had terrorized me as a child and young adult. When I stop or cut way back, the nightmares come back. It is just that simple. I also tend toward both anxiety and depression, and it has always mitigated those to some degree. I know far too many people who are on a steady diet of Xanax and antidepressants. With my addictive tendencies, the last thing I need is MORE stuff to get hooked on.
But weed is also illegal, and costly, and gives me the munchies. And, as a lifetime smoker, it is damaging my lungs. As a thinking person who obeys most laws and cares about my health, these things bother me. My response is a constant focus on moderation.
Back to the alcohol. A few years ago, after a bad graduate school experience that resulted in me dropping out of the program, I noticed that I was gradually increasing my drinking. Wine was my drink of choice. I love wine. I love good wine. But lurking behind my appreciation for a good glass of wine is that buzz effect, which for me is not about social lubrication, but about quieting the nonstop conversation in my head. So often I have wanted to scream, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” But brain often doesn’t listen, so I would pour a bit more wine to quiet the conversation. Unfortunately, we all know that thing about alcohol. It is too easy to have another if you get to a certain point. Being both an addictive personality and a believer in moderation, I had a system of deciding on a specific amount and keeping track. That actually worked for a while, but under stress the counting went out the window.
Finally I decided that I had become too accustomed to drinking wine in excess, so I decided to switch to beer, which I liked well enough but not with the same appreciation I have for good wine. The games we addictive types play with ourselves. The beer conversion actually worked for several years. I drank moderately and kept track of my consumption. Then in stepped stress again. My consumption climbed. And I also noticed the long term effect of beer, the beer belly. Being a middle aged woman, I know the danger of belly fat for women in particular. Lots of studies out there showing that belly fat in post menopausal women raises risks of heart attack and stroke WAY UP. Oops.
Now, many folks reading this might at this point be wondering why I don’t just go join AA and quit altogether. That is your right to think that. For many people, that is their only salvation. I don’t happen to think it is mine. I refuse to spend the rest of my life fearing alcohol, beating myself to a pulp if I “fall off the wagon,” and beating up everybody else who dares to try the path of moderation. I want moderation back.
Once, many years ago, I felt like I was smoking too much weed, so I got the bright idea to go to a NA meeting for some help. After listening for an hour to people tell horrendous stories about their lives being destroyed by drugs, I slunk out the back door, completely embarrassed by the thought of standing up and saying I wanted to cut back on weed because I thought it wasn’t really good for my lungs.
This last winter, when I became severely depressed and angry at being the caretaker of my live-in ailing, advanced-COPD mother, my drinking increased noticeably. Warning bells went off in my head. I got on the Internet and found a forum about alcoholism. I asked politely if anybody knew about a program other than AA, as I basically disagree with much of their philosophy and was looking for a secular-based organization that was interested in helping people with drinking problems even if they weren’t planning to quit drinking. I was attacked viciously by these people, who yelled that WHEN I ended up in the gutter I would crawl to AA on my hands and knees, begging for their help. Needless to say, I left that place and did my own research.
Because my little sister was trying to help me deal with my anger and depression about my mother, she sent me some DVDs about buddhist mindfulness, by Thich Nhat Hanh. They were helpful enough that I ordered some of his books and also stumbled on an excellent book by buddhist psychologists who deal with addiction. That book is called Mindful Recovery, by Thomas and Beverly Bien.
Unfortunately, I was in a deep depression already, and some expectations from my mother and others about the approaching holidays triggered my panicked departure from home before I had a chance to read and absorb some of the new information I had found. But I was smart enough to take all of my new books with me, and I spent many lonely hours in the desert reading them.
The first couple of weeks I lived in the desert by myself, I spent part of my small stash of living money on beer. I also took the last of the weed I had and smoked it up in those first couple of weeks. When the weed ran out I stopped buying beer. I did promise myself that I could have a couple of beers on Christmas eve with the pizza I also promised myself. I set aside my Christmas eve fund.
The next few weeks, except for Christmas eve, I lived without my addictive substances. I discovered during those weeks that I had no real cravings for weed, as much as I like it, but I did have alcohol cravings. That really is one of the major differences between them. Weed can be psychologically addicting but has no lasting physical addictiveness. If you decide not to smoke it, your body adjusts quite quickly and says, “whatever.” Alcohol has a much stronger pull, both in its psychological pull and its physical effects. I was a bit surprised by the difference, having always preferred weed to alcohol. We really are never too old to learn something.
Luckily, I found some good information in the Mindful Recovery book, about what they called “urge surfing.” It has to do with the limited time that a specific urge will last, and developing the ability to ride the wave until it fades. Very useful stuff.
Since I have been back home, I continue to struggle daily with my alcohol urges, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. Another valuable lesson I learned from that book, that directly contridicts the message of AA, is that slipping is just slipping, and you can always just get back to working on your problem. AA treats “falling off the wagon” as a major catastrophe that is virtually life-destroying. I’m exaggerating a bit, but not much. Since I don’t want to “be on the wagon” anyway, but instead reintroduce moderation and consumption for appreciation instead of numbing, I’m not going to beat myself up every time I break my rules and drink too much. I’m just going to focus on mindful living, dealing positively with the things that make me crazy, and practice urge surfing. I’m going to work on changing what Thich Nhat Hanh calls my “habit energy.” Humans are habitual creatures. Our habits create their own energy. The first step is to recognize that energy (“Hello habit energy!”) and then sow the seeds of more healthful habit energy. To paraphrase Thich Nhat Hanh, I am going to turn my garbage into compost and grow a beautiful organic garden.
I could go on and on about this subject, as it has been a major focus of my life for the last year. But I will stop now and provide an interesting link on the subject.
14 of our states have declared that marijuana is a healing medicine…it is a wonderful HEALING herb. Muscle spasms are relaxed…people who have undergone chemo, or have nausea from a wasting illness, find relief. I’m 63 years old and I live in a state that says that pot is the same as heroin – and cocaine…which is garbage. There is an honorable organization called LEAP (law enforcement against prohibition) that says that the way the war on drugs has been conducted is wrong….and believes that marijuana should be legalized. It does not harm , in the way alcohol does…. I would dearly love to be able to grow a couple of plants before I die…. LEGALLY….!
I wanted to tell you to not be so hard on yourself… It sounds to me like you have done an outstanding job of confronting your ‘problem areas’… My husband has had to do the same. He had a longtime love affair with wine, that he had the courage to end. I was sorry to see him do it, but at least he saw that it was a problem for him. It’s ironic, that alcohol is legal, (and for some, destructive)…but marijuana, will not lead to anything but munchies…and carries a heavy penalty….BUT DOES NOT HARM THE BODY…!